Can I Call Myself a Robot Now?

​​The last operation complete!

I am so bloody happy; it's the operation we have been waiting for. The grand finale! I am finally on the road to recovery. In the end, they reconstructed my PCL and MCL Ligament, repaired and tightened the LCL and saw severe scarring throughout my knee which he tidied up.

He put metal work in to keep everything in place, drilled into my bones so he could attach the ligaments, made three beautiful scars that I will have for the rest of my life and made sure that every aspect of my knee is new and improved. But to make sure everything was secure and to strengthen the PCL ligament life expectancy we did do the inner brace procedure! So I have a brace within my leg (can I call myself a robot now?)

The whole procedure was a long and difficult process! We are talking 5 and half hours long... so I hope everyone involved in the operation had a well-deserved beer after repairing a "war zone of a knee" as my Dr quotes.

I was in the hospital for 6 days in total. There were two reasons why I stayed in for so long...

As not only did my splint not arrive in time but I had no feeling in my left leg from the knee down. The doctors said it could have been caused by a number of reasons - the drugs, maybe it was caused by the band they place around your leg during an operation, to bring out the blood vessels, was on for too long, maybe my nerves could have gone into shock. I think at one point, he even questioned if he made a mistake... But officially they don't know the reason for my numbness. I lost all sensation in my leg for 5 days.

For the whole of the 6 days, I was trapped in one position. I wasn't allowed to leave my bed, I was unable to twist and turn and my knee was and still is unable to bend as it has to be straight for 6 weeks solid.

But, I was very content in my hospital bed eating rocky roads, reading my book and being visited by friends and family.

Now I am at home...

This is where the real battles begin. I am alone all day with just my TV which I know to some people sounds like heaven, or as my dad states sarcastically every day "you live a hard life..." But that's because you have other opportunities. When the right to work, go outside, get your own food, drive or even go up the stairs is taken away from you; it feels like hell. It's boring, the days drag and TV becomes your worst enemy but it's down to you to keep positive, entertain yourself and not let the temptation of emotions and feeling bloated and gross get you down.

As you must remember:

Physically - after an operation, your body is trying to heal itself so inflammation will be circulating around your body. Hence why you always feel rubbish and like you've suddenly gained a stone after a severe injury or a major operation.

Mentally - your demons will be straining to get into your mind frame and eventually they will start to succeed. You’ll start feeling like a burden which is soon followed with constant frustration. The tiniest things like finding something to wear, leaving something upstairs, not being able to find an item that you need etc will make you grumpy, angry or irritated with yourself and those surrounding you. You’ll start getting jealous of your peers going out, working, socialising while you’re stuck at home limited to movement. You'll snap at people and constantly feel aggressive yet emotional at the same time and you’ll cry for no reason.

Trust me, I have hit this point - it's normal!

Recovery to this extent is a lonely and isolating process and it's draining. Although you’re not doing anything, being alone is the most mentally exhausting workout you can experience.

You're constantly battling with yourself and your lifestyle. Being so heavily dependent on others and feeling helpless as everything is done for me. Fighting with myself and others about how capable I really am right now.

I am at war for my independence and although it feels like a losing battle I am not letting this situation swallow me whole.